Transporting of the Deceased

Thanks to the endless supply of police procedurals on television these days, we've grown accustomed, maybe even inured, to the sight of a body covered by a sheet or being carted off in a bag. But how do they make their somber journey to the morgue or hospital for further examination?

Dead bodies are collected by authorized personnel and transported using a body bag or covered by a sterile evidence sheet -- staffers always use new bags or sheets for each corpse. The body bag must be fully sealed, because it contains and protects evidence during transport that may be critical in a forensic investigation. Bodies are transported in specially fitted, unmarked vans to the site where the autopsy will take place -- typically a hospital or morgue. Once it arrives, the body (still in the bag or sheet) is moved by a diener, or morgue attendant, to the examination room. The diener may sometimes use special equipment designed to transport the body. If the autopsy is not scheduled to be performed immediately, the corpse is stored in a refrigerated area until the examination takes place.

Once medical examiners do perform the autopsies, among the key things they'll look to establish is time of death. They will note certain physical changes in the deceased's body that occur at well known times, which can help them determine the time of death. For example, gravity causes the blood to settle in the body, and lividity, a purple discoloration, imbues the person's skin. The body also becomes rigid -- a condition known as rigor mortis. Following death, the fluid in the eyes causes the corneas to become cloudy -- another clue to the time of death. Medical examiners can also narrow down the time of death based on contents of the deceased's stomach and intestines and whether or not the person has a full bladder.

What to wear to a funeral

This is a sensitive subject, but one that many people have questions about. The definition of appropriate funeral attire varies a lot across different cultures and religions. This is particularly true for color  For example, in western culture black is the color of bereavement, but in other cultures it is white.

But I think it is safe to say that a funeral is not about us and our outfit. It is about paying one’s last respects to the deceased and supporting their family. That’s why I suggest the safe “M-D-M” dressing rule. Wear a “muted”, “dressy” and “modest” outfit and you’ll look and feel appropriate.

Here’s the checklist in more detail as applied to a funeral:

Keep it muted: Dark colours like black, charcoal grey, navy and brown are no-brainers. Deep burgundy reds, greens and purples, or muted pastels and beige are also fine as long as you don’t wear anything too bright, flashy or bold. Generally, no lively pops of colour for this outfit and that includes make-up.
Keep it dressy: No jeans please. A funeral is a not a casual occasion so at the very least think dressy business casual, but business formal is best. Skirts and dresses are the traditional choice but dress slacks are just as acceptable. Closed toe shoes are not a must but covering up neon toe nail polish is a good idea.
Keep it modest: Tailored clothing is fab but anything too alluring is inappropriate. If an item of clothing is too short, too tight or too low-cut to wear to work, you probably shouldn’t be wearing it to a funeral. Hose is not essential especially if it’s hot, but it does add a polished touch to your skirt or dress ensemble.

What is a wake?

The original meaning of 'wake' was: 'a long period when people do not sleep'. at a wake the mourners stay up all night as a sign of respect to the dead person.

Definitions of Wake and Their Implications

Broadly speaking, wakes are parties or social gatherings held in connection with funerals. These sometimes involve keeping watch beside the corpse and behaving in a demonstrative way, either by lamenting or merry-making. This implication of unruliness is widespread. According to Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable (1978), the wake is "a vigil celebrated with junketing and dancing." The word primarily means, of course, to prevent someone from sleeping, to wake the person up, to disturb the person's slumber and make it impossible for him or her to slip back into it. The "junketing and dancing" take place in order to wake the person up again. That is why, compared with ordinary social behavior, wakes stand out as wild and unrestrained: They have to be "fit to wake the dead."

From this point of view, then, "waking the dead" is carried out mainly for the benefit of the dead themselves, in order to restore them to wakefulness. To be the expression of a consciously focused intention on the part of the living is its ritual function. Not merely to give a dead person "a good send off," but to keep the dead properly moving in the right direction, instead of simply losing consciousness. In religious terms this means making sure that the person goes on living in the dimension of being he or she must now enter upon. In other words, the deceased must be awake among the dead, a state of affairs that is held to be beneficial to the deceased's survivors as well.

There is evidence of wake-related behavior in all parts of the world. The practice of "waking the dead" is ancient. For example, in Homer's Iliad both Hector and Patrodus are depicted as having had funeral feasts, which, if they resembled those of Achilles and Aeneas, included games and contests of skill. The practice of "funeral games" occurs as a common theme in accounts of funeral behavior throughout the world.

Everywhere the underlying intention of the wake is to honor the dead person. The Irish antiquarian Sean O'Suilleabhain believes that the intention was originally to avert the person's rage at having died: "It was an attempt to heal the wound of death and to do final justice to the deceased while he was still physically present. After the burial, the opportunity to do so would be absent" (O'Suilleahbain 1967, p.172). Thus, the practice is held to be an expression of a straightforward fear of dead people and what they are able to do to the living, in accordance with the world-famous anthropologist James Frazer's rationale of ancient funeral customs in his Fear of the Dead in Primitive Religion (1933) and the evolutionary doctrine of C. E. Vulliamy, who associates such ideas with a primitive mentality that most of the human race has now grown out of.

The traditions surrounding a Muslim Death

Death is a very painful and emotional time, yet one that may be filled with hope and mercy. Muslims believe that death is a departure from the life of this world, but not the end of a person's existence. Rather, eternal life is to come, and we pray for God's mercy to be with the departed, in hopes that they may find peace and happiness in the life to come.

Care for the Dying

When a Muslim is near death, those around him or her are called upon to give comfort, and reminders of God's mercy and forgiveness. They may recite verses from the Qur'an, give physical comfort, and encourage the dying one to recite words of remembrance and prayer. It is recommended, if at all possible, for a Muslim's last words to be the declaration of faith: "I bear witness that there is no god but Allah."

Upon death, those with the deceased are encouraged to remain calm, pray for the departed, and begin preparations for burial. The eyes of the deceased should be closed, and the body covered temporarily with a clean sheet. It is forbidden for those in mourning to excessively wail, scream, or thrash about. Grief is normal when one has lost a loved one, and it is natural and permitted to cry. When the Prophet Muhammad's own son died, he said: "The eyes shed tears and the heart is grieved, but we will not say anything except which pleases our Lord." One should strive to be patient, and remember that Allah is the One who gives life and takes it away, at a time appointed by Him. It is not for us to question His wisdom.

Muslims strive to bury the deceased as soon as possible after death, avoiding the need for embalming or otherwise disturbing the body of the deceased. An autopsy may be performed, if necessary, but should be done with the utmost respect for the dead.

Washing and Shrouding

In preparation for burial, the family or other members of the community will wash and shroud the body. (If the deceased was killed as a martyr, this step is not performed; martyrs are buried in the clothes they died in.) The deceased will be washed respectfully, with clean and scented water, in a manner similar to how Muslims make ablutions for prayer. The body will then be wrapped in sheets of clean, white cloth (called the kafan).

Funeral Prayers

The deceased is then transported to the site of the funeral prayers (salat-l-janazah). These prayers are commonly held outdoors, in a courtyard or public square, not inside the mosque. The community gathers, and the imam (prayer leader) stands in front of the deceased, facing away from the worshippers. The funeral prayer is similar in structure to the five daily prayers, with a few variations. (For example, there is no bowing or prostration, and the entire prayer is said silently but for a few words.)

Burial

The deceased is then taken to the cemetery for burial (al-dafin). While all members of the community attend the funeral prayers, only the men of the community accompany the body to the gravesite. It is preferred for a Muslim to be buried where he or she died, and not be transported to another location or country (which may cause delays or require embalming the body). If available, a cemetery (or section of one) set aside for Muslims is preferred. The deceased is laid in the grave (without a coffin if permitted by local law) on his or her right side, facing Mecca. At the gravesite, it is discouraged for people to erect tombstones, elaborate markers, or put flowers or other momentos. Rather, one should humbly remember Allah and His mercy, and pray for the deceased.

Mourning

Loved ones and relatives are to observe a 3-day mourning period. Mourning is observed in Islam by increased devotion, receiving visitors and condolences, and avoiding decorative clothing and jewelry. Widows observe an extended mourning period (iddah), 4 months and 10 days long, in accordance with the Qur'an 2:234. During this time, she is not to remarry, move from her home, or wear decorative clothing or jewelry.

When one dies, everything in this earthly life is left behind, and there are no more opportunities to perform acts of righteousness and faith. The Prophet Muhammad once said that there are three things, however, which may continue to benefit a person after death: charity given during life which continues to help others, knowledge from which people continue to benefit, and a righteous child who prays for him or her.

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What to write on a Headstone

What is a Headstone?

A headstone, tombstone, or gravestone is a marker, usually stone, that is placed over a grave. In most cases they have the deceased’s name, date of birth, and date of death inscribed on them, along with a personal message, or prayer.

Simply stated:  A headstone is a memorial stone set at the head of a grave.

Deciding What to Write on a Headstone

Deciding what to inscribe on the headstone is a task challenging and emotional at the same time. Here are the basics which make the part and parcel of a headstone.

The Basics

Name of the Deceased

The full name of the deceased is written on top of a headstone. Nickname can also be written in parentheses followed by the real name which facilitates identification and conveys love and remembrance for the deceased.

Date of Birth and Death

After the name, the date of birth and death must be present on a headstone. It marks how long your loved one lived before moving on to the other side  of the veil.

Add-Ons

Your Relationship with the deceased

Usually people mention their relationship with the deceased so as to let others feel the depth of love they have for him/her. You can begin with:

The Dearly Loved Husband

The Dearly Loved Wife

With Love We Remember

A Beloved Friend

A Devoted Brother

A Devoted Sister

Our Darling Daughter

Our Darling Son

Headstone Sayings

Mentioning the above doesn’t really say much about the bonding you and your loved onewere sharing. You should adorn the headstone with Biblical quotes and sayings as well as other legendary verses which relate to the characteristics of your loved one way or the other. This will suggest the visitors much about how special the deceased is to you.

Biblical Epitaphs

With the help of family and friends, select verses from Bible that convey messages of peace, love and remembrance.

Sleep on now, and take your rest.   
Matthew 26:45

He that endureth to the end shall be saved.   
Matthew 10:22

I am the resurrection and the life; he that believeth in me, though he were dead yet shall he live.

John 11:25

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

John 14:1

…All things work together for good to them that love God.

Romans 8:28

…Be thou faith unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

Revelation 2:10

Personal Quotes and Sayings

You can also adorn the headstone with personal messages and quotes to express your lovefor the deceased.

"Here lies a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and grandmother who always cared."

"Here lies a son, brother, husband, and father who always put his family first."

"Life was a journey and now it’s time to rest."

"I will stop fighting life when life stops fighting me."

"My last ride will be to Heaven."

"The Lord is now my caretaker."

"Lying peacefully for eternity"

"We will cherish you always…"

"We will never forget you."

"May you rejoice in the arms of the Lord for eternity.”

Headstone Poems

Shorts poems also add a personal touch to the headstone. You can either create a poem for your loved one yourself or extract verses from poems you like. Here’s one:

A million times we’ve needed you,

A million times we’ve cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

If all the world was ours to give,

We would give it, yes, and more,

To see you coming up the steps,

And walking through the door.

To hear your voice and see your smile,

To sit and talk a while,

To be with you that same old way,

Would be our fondest day.

A heart of gold stopped beating

Two smiling eyes closed to rest,

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best.

General Epitaphs

You can also make use of general and simple inscriptions on the headstone. Some ideas are:

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can not heal

May the journey on your next adventure be as joy-filled as your time with us. See you soon!

Don’t mourn my loss, whatever you do  
My leaving brings you closer to the loved ones
I have left behind and all the joys the future holds

You taught all that knew you what courage meant. And have shown us an example in death as you did in life. God give me strength in my life without you.

Signs of Dying with Suggested Cares - Part 1.

Signs of Dying with Suggested Cares

Appreciating the preciousness of human life, based on the understanding of one's body constantly changing, ageing, moving toward death since birth and the uncertainty of life helps us appreciate life and prepare for death. It is natural for one's body to decay especially when accelerated by disease processes. In the final stage when life-sustaining systems begin to shut down, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual changes may occur over weeks, days or hours. Each person's experience is unique, but there are some general similarities.

The following is a very simple account of the normal changes that may occur in the final stage of living, commonly called "dying", with some suggested ways of caring. It is intended to help the dying and their loved ones to understand and be prepared for these changes, in order to provide appropriate safe support and comfort holistically.

Physical Weakness / Lack of Energy / Loss of Interest in Everyday Things

As the body's systems weaken less oxygen is available to the muscles, the life force weakens, and more effort is needed to complete everyday tasks and one may become embarrassed, discouraged, ambivalent, depressed, irritable and/or just naturally become more interested in matters that seem more important: matters of the mind, heart and spirit. This is often a time of self-examination, of questioning, of looking for the meaning of life.

Caregivers can best help by assisting the person with physical tasks, while being sensitive to their feelings, maintaining their dignity and attending to their comfort as much as possible, especially with regard to symptom control and protection from injury. Love and humour can take the tension away from a stressful situation. Laughter opens the heart and can free one to see past appearances and circumstances, leaving the burden of self and entering into a instant oneness with another, that is blissfully rewarding. Psychological and spiritual support means being along side as a good friend: patient, non-judgmental, compassionate, allowing the person's own wisdom to evolve. When regrets appear, see them as lessons learned, encourage memories of meaningful events and practice rejoicing, by seeing the benefits of the kind actions of one's life, allowing whatever faith, hope and love the person has, to exist and develop freely. 

Withdrawal from Family and Friends / Increased Sleepiness / Coma

Neither family, friends nor wealth can be taken with us when we leave this world. Much of the packing it all up and leaving it behind is a solo job and one needs time and privacy to do it. Visitors can be very exhausting and the person may feel they have to entertain their guests even if they can't get up out of bed. Too many visitors one day will often result in the person being more tired and/or more withdrawn the next day. Sometimes the person may sleep more, be difficult to arouse or uncommunicative. This may be due to disease processes, medication, or the person's desire to withdraw from social contact. Simply being a loving presence near the person, holding their hand, sending loving thoughts, silently praying, meditating, just being there for them provides a comforting, safe and peaceful atmosphere that facilitates the person's inner work. The caregiver should try to respect the person's wishes and be aware of what personal desires come up in their own mind and how these can be addressed without disturbing the mind of the dying. Be careful of what you say over their body while the person is asleep or unconscious, they may hear you and it could upset them. Many people who have recovered from a coma (a state where there is no response to voice or touch stimuli, though eyes may still be open) have reported being aware of what others said and even thought in their presence.

Random jerks or twitches can be due to dreams or nightmares, you can reassure them with your kind tone of voice and/or a gentle touch on their hand or arm. The dying are very sensitive to what is communicated by the caregiver's body, speech and mind and the caregiver can become more aware of reactions and messages from the person by watching and listening. The eyes, facial expressions, and breathing changes often indicate what the person is feeling or thinking. The reason why communication is possible on this level and why you can trust your deepest intuition is because the basic nature of every being is pure and knowing, as Christians may say God-like or as Buddhists say having all pervasive, indestructible wisdom nature. Awake or asleep this is always present and available if one is relaxed, open and receptive, but it is much more familiar and easy for those who are habituated to this awareness through meditation practice. The depth of one's spiritual practice is communicated by its own power and has remarkable benefits for others. Stripped of dogma and doctrine, reputation and position, sex, age, and relationship, leaving one's 'self' to enter nakedly with no agenda, into unity with the person, even for a brief moment liberates both parties from the bondage of duality temporally and is profoundly comforting.

Loss of Appetite

Food is a fuel that helps sustain life. As the digestive system gets weaker, food may become more of a discomfort than an enjoyment, some medications may change the tastes of food, and finally the energy required to process the food becomes greater than the energy derived it. Any of these may produce a loss of appetite. Eating habits change. The person may become overwhelmed by a "normal size" meal. He/she may take a few mouthfuls of their "favourite" meal and feel full. Small attractively presented meals may tempt them. But consider who is getting the satisfaction - family and friends who want to nourish their loved one, so that the person can get better and live longer? It's often the hardest thing for the family to face; but the refusal to feed the body is not a refusal for nourishment. It is a sign that priorities have changed to nourishing the soul/spirit/mind. Forcing the person to eat or making them feel guilty if they don't, only isolates and distances them even further. The person approaching death needs to know that it is OK not to eat. Respect and acceptance brings people closer together which comforts the dying person and the caregiver too.

Difficulty Swallowing

As the swallowing reflex weakens, swallowing becomes difficult. It may become frightening for the person to attempt to eat or drink or the person may be slipping into unconsciousness. It is best to offer very small amounts (half a teaspoon) and observe the throat to see if swallowing has taken place. Tolerance of food generally progresses from solid to soft to liquids (soups and dietary supplements), to ice chips and spooned or sucked water. It is safer to feed a person who is upright, but if the person is used to eating in an incumbent position, it is generally easier to swallow if their head is kept straight, not turned to the side. The sucking reflex seems to last a long time as the caregiver will see when attempting to clean the person's mouth or teeth. Mouth care is important for comfort and dignity. Medications can be crushed and capsules opened and mixed with jam, jelly, yoghurt or like foods. Do not crush time-release or long acting medications. Discuss with your nurse or doctor any problems with medications; alternative medications or modes of delivery are available. Do not give food or liquids to a person who is unconscious. It may cause the person to choke or to inhale the foreign matter.

Confusion

The level of awareness and cognition can change frequently and unexpectedly, due to many causes (i.e. disease processes, tiredness, medication). When a person becomes confused, there can be a decrease of oxygen to the brain and they may not recognise familiar people, places, the time of day or year etc. or they may hear voices or see visions. Do not negate what they say or argue with them. This is their personal reality, which can be a pleasant comforting experience for the person and could also be a sign that the person's mind is peaceful or joyful with happy expectation. But if their experience upsets or disturbs them, gently touch or stroke their arm or hold their hand and speak calmly with a soft reassuring voice and remind them of who you are, where they are, what day it is etc. Aromatherapy and their favourite music or chanting of their faith, is also helpful.